In the cavern of my heart you proceed like a river flowing deeply;
calling only when all around is silent.
You are faintest trace of hope,
perhaps a flower embedded or fervid dream—
let me past jagged thorns while world outside is bound by sleep.
Whispers of love renewed flow,
as though gardens that revel in Spring—
you are verses bursting, blooming among my thoughts,
undulating as pulse-like waves.
Like a prayer sealed upon sweet lips;
you are amalgamation of the moon and sun—
perhaps a hymn, as though a sacred song.
In the cavern of my heart you proceed like a river flowing deeply;
calling only when all around is silent.
The poem I chose to edit:
In the cavern of my heart, you flow
like a river deep; calling only when
all around is silent.
You’re faint hope, perhaps a flower
or impassioned dream. Let me past
jagged thorns, while world outside
is bound by sleep.
Whispers of love, rekindled flow, as
though gardens that revel in spring.
You’re verse that blooms among my
thoughts, surging through as pulse-
like waves.
Like a prayer sealed upon sweet lips,
you’re moon and sun both wreathed
in one. Perhaps a hymn, as though a
sacred song.
In the cavern of my heart, you flow
like a river deep; calling only when
all around is silent.
Original poem dated March 22, 2017
Photo credits: Pinterest
Peter hosts at dVerse and invites us to edit previously
written work. Come join us! ❤️
Posted for MTB: Write like a dog, edit like a cat @ dVerse Pub
Thanks Sanaa, what a difference in your two versions – your edit has given the poem structure – stanzas and regular line length and I think more focus. It’s like the poet has looked again at her beloved and moved from initial passion where words and feelings fell over themselves to a more mature – though still passionate – love. I liked the refrain as a container for the verse – which I think works better in your revised poem. Thank you for sharing this work.
Thank you so much, Peter 😀 so glad you liked it 💄❤️
(and thank you for the glorious prompt) 🌹
I love this revision, Sanaa – it’s so much more direct and I found it really engaging. Some of those small changes make so much difference – faint hope, rekindled flow. It’s a lovely piece.
Thank you so much, Sarah 😀 so glad you enjoyed it 💄❤️
Wow, Sanaa, I love how this poem has evolved. The bookends of the cavern river stanzas feel like a firm embrace which holds the absolutely gorgeous descriptions of this love.
Thank you so much, Victoria 😀 so glad the poem resonated with you 💄❤️
I see see how your revision fills out the original, and it reads well, but I prefer the style of the original.
Thank you so much, Ken 🙂 so good to see you 💄❤️
A very nice revision, but I believe I like them equally well. Your poetry is always so precise and pristine!
dwight
Thank you so much, Dwight 😀 so glad you liked it 💄❤️
Your edit has not only changed words and phrases, Sanaa, it has also affected the structure, which is now richer and the lines ebb and flow, visually as well as rhythmically. I’m glad you kept the repetition of ‘calling only when all around is silent’, echoing in the cavern of the heart, and I love the change from ‘You’re verse that blooms among my thoughts’ to ‘you are verses bursting, blooming among my thoughts’.
Thank you so much, Kim 😀 so glad you enjoyed it 💄❤️
I can’t really choose between the two – I like both so much! I love the original’s flow, like a river, but also the expansiveness of the new version, like a full river close to bursting but always contained by your carefully crafted lines: wonderful work 🙂
Awww gosh! Thank you so much, Ingrid 😀 I enjoyed writing both the versions 💄❤️
It almost flows like a sweet heartfelt prayer. loved it!!
❤️❤️❤️
I prefer the revision too. I found I stumbled on the ‘you’re’ which is much better rendered in full as ‘you are’.
Thank you so much, Jane 😀 so good to see you 💄❤️
You have made the poem more tender and specific and heart warming. I love these lines:
Like a prayer sealed upon sweet lips,
you’re moon and sun both wreathed
in one. Perhaps a hymn, as though a
sacred song.
Thank you so much, Rosemarie 😀 so glad you enjoyed it 💄❤️
Sanaa, I like both but I think I like the revised one better because of this:
“you are verses bursting, blooming among my thoughts,
undulating as pulse-like waves.
Like a prayer sealed upon sweet lips;”
Exquisite <3
Thank you so much, Lisa 🙂 so glad the poem resonated with you 💄❤️
What an excellent revision… I can see how this is on it’s way to becoming a sonnet… Excellent rework
Thank you so much, Bjorn 😀 so glad you liked it 💄❤️
I ALWAYS sigh after reading your poems. I love the first one printed here….I think that’s the revised one? I like the longer lines, the flow of it. I like (in both) that you begin and end with the “cavern”.
These lines are my most favorite:
“Like a prayer sealed upon sweet lips;
you are amalgamation of the moon and sun—
perhaps a hymn, as though a sacred song.”
This revised version seems to be a hymn…the flow and length of the lines. Just beautiful.
Awww gosh! Thank you so much, Lillian 😀 so glad you enjoyed it! 💄❤️
(Yes, that’s the revised version.. the longer lines)